And I have returned to where I started. I managed to keep track of my calories/weight via fitday for 8 days. I managed to have 3 or 4 super days in there, along with 4 or 5 over maintenance days, and wound back where I started. A lot of almost binging going on. It was enlightening to keep track of what I was doing on fitday, and I am going to try to keep up with it for as long as I can. Maybe awareness of what i am doing will at least prevent me from gaining, if not help me loose weight.
I spent some time this afternoon looking at pictures that were taken of me this spring/summer by my husband. I am real denial about how I look. I look obese. In my head, if I look fat at all, I think I look chubby cute. I don't. I look gross obese. Not cute. Not pretty. I have all this neck/chin fat that is really unpleasant to look at.
I note, that since the time I have started this blog, I have a trend of stating that I am going to do X,Y,& Z and by this and this time I will be ____ weight. I am still doing it today. Via fitday, I calculated if I watched my calories sharply, I could be at a mini-goal of 199.5 by September 30th. I have practiced this same thought process for the last 10 years. It isn't helpful. I don't know what the real answer is to my struggle. I keep trying the same things, with the same rotten results. I KNOW I need to stay off the carbs. I KNOW I need to quit binge/recreational eating. I don't know how to master that though.
It is funny to me how I have no trouble managing my $$ spending. But my caloric spending, I am like a shopaholic. It's embarrassing. Especially because everyone can see my overindulgance on my face. The truth is though, cute/chubby fat is only Halloween away, if I could manage strict control until that time.
261.0 down to 178.0
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Something's working
233.0
Onward and downward. =) Been on track for the last five days. Each day is getting a little easier. I am tracking my calories via fitday and trying to eat low glycemically (to prevent hunger as much as possible) and more fruit and veg. Produce is exceptionally cheap right now, so I have been coming home with fruits I haven't eaten in years. Feeling good. Trying to walk a little bit more than normal, but not worrying about it, if I don't get it in.
We will be moving at the end of the month, so hopefully the stress of that won't throw me off plan.
Onward and downward. =) Been on track for the last five days. Each day is getting a little easier. I am tracking my calories via fitday and trying to eat low glycemically (to prevent hunger as much as possible) and more fruit and veg. Produce is exceptionally cheap right now, so I have been coming home with fruits I haven't eaten in years. Feeling good. Trying to walk a little bit more than normal, but not worrying about it, if I don't get it in.
We will be moving at the end of the month, so hopefully the stress of that won't throw me off plan.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Bob Greene's questions
Why are you overweight?
I think I am overweight because over the years I have really messed up my seritonin reactions to eating. My full switch, for lack of a better term, doesn't seem to signal as quickly as other people's. I was/am able to eat simple carbs to the point of getting a chemical high from the foods I ate/eat. I used this to make myself feel better during a really stressful time in my life. I think after this happened, I have a physical chemical dependancy on food. I routinely abuse foods (that I don't even especially care for) in an effort to feel better. I will eat candy after candy, not even bothering to taste them. I know that after the last fifteen years of doing this, that when I feel bored/down it is a quick and easy cure.
As I have gained weight, it has become physically harder to exercise. What was once enjoyable exercise is no longer enjoyable. I feel like a slug. I am packing around 100 extra pounds. That makes me move less in itself.
What are you truly hungry for?
Security. Too feel loved. To feel accomplishment.
Why did you fail?
I routinely have good intentions. I can undo a day's good efforts in less than 10 minutes. I make excuses for myself, allowing my short term pleasure/enjoyment to push back the enjoyment I would get from being fit and healthy. Tomorrow comes day after day with promises for the future. At this point I have been fat for almost 5000 tomorrows. I am pushing off today's efforts for minimal pleasure.
Why do you want to lose weight?
I used to really enjoy outside activities. Hiking/camping/swimming/roller skating/biking. I felt good about myself when doing these activities. I think of myself poorly and so do think of me poorly for my inability to control my weight. This is not healthy for my body or my spirit.
I think I am overweight because over the years I have really messed up my seritonin reactions to eating. My full switch, for lack of a better term, doesn't seem to signal as quickly as other people's. I was/am able to eat simple carbs to the point of getting a chemical high from the foods I ate/eat. I used this to make myself feel better during a really stressful time in my life. I think after this happened, I have a physical chemical dependancy on food. I routinely abuse foods (that I don't even especially care for) in an effort to feel better. I will eat candy after candy, not even bothering to taste them. I know that after the last fifteen years of doing this, that when I feel bored/down it is a quick and easy cure.
As I have gained weight, it has become physically harder to exercise. What was once enjoyable exercise is no longer enjoyable. I feel like a slug. I am packing around 100 extra pounds. That makes me move less in itself.
What are you truly hungry for?
Security. Too feel loved. To feel accomplishment.
Why did you fail?
I routinely have good intentions. I can undo a day's good efforts in less than 10 minutes. I make excuses for myself, allowing my short term pleasure/enjoyment to push back the enjoyment I would get from being fit and healthy. Tomorrow comes day after day with promises for the future. At this point I have been fat for almost 5000 tomorrows. I am pushing off today's efforts for minimal pleasure.
Why do you want to lose weight?
I used to really enjoy outside activities. Hiking/camping/swimming/roller skating/biking. I felt good about myself when doing these activities. I think of myself poorly and so do think of me poorly for my inability to control my weight. This is not healthy for my body or my spirit.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Day 1
Weight 238.0
Plan 12 weeks at 1000 cal or less average. Trying to adhere (most of the time) to low glycemic eating. At least one meal per day with 10 grams of fat (to flush my gall bladder - which I have issues with).
Two weeks off.
Then a second set of 12 weeks.
That would put me at 12/31/09
Today I have eaten two scoops whey EAS whey protein powder 260 calories, 46 g. protein, 6 g. carb
one can of campbell's cream of brocolli soup which has 225 calories, 5 g. protein, 8.7 g. fat, 30 g carb
Plan 12 weeks at 1000 cal or less average. Trying to adhere (most of the time) to low glycemic eating. At least one meal per day with 10 grams of fat (to flush my gall bladder - which I have issues with).
Two weeks off.
Then a second set of 12 weeks.
That would put me at 12/31/09
Today I have eaten two scoops whey EAS whey protein powder 260 calories, 46 g. protein, 6 g. carb
one can of campbell's cream of brocolli soup which has 225 calories, 5 g. protein, 8.7 g. fat, 30 g carb
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