239

And I have returned to where I started. I managed to keep track of my calories/weight via fitday for 8 days. I managed to have 3 or 4 super days in there, along with 4 or 5 over maintenance days, and wound back where I started. A lot of almost binging going on. It was enlightening to keep track of what I was doing on fitday, and I am going to try to keep up with it for as long as I can. Maybe awareness of what i am doing will at least prevent me from gaining, if not help me loose weight.

I spent some time this afternoon looking at pictures that were taken of me this spring/summer by my husband. I am real denial about how I look. I look obese. In my head, if I look fat at all, I think I look chubby cute. I don't. I look gross obese. Not cute. Not pretty. I have all this neck/chin fat that is really unpleasant to look at.

I note, that since the time I have started this blog, I have a trend of stating that I am going to do X,Y,& Z and by this and this time I will be ____ weight. I am still doing it today. Via fitday, I calculated if I watched my calories sharply, I could be at a mini-goal of 199.5 by September 30th. I have practiced this same thought process for the last 10 years. It isn't helpful. I don't know what the real answer is to my struggle. I keep trying the same things, with the same rotten results. I KNOW I need to stay off the carbs. I KNOW I need to quit binge/recreational eating. I don't know how to master that though.

It is funny to me how I have no trouble managing my $$ spending. But my caloric spending, I am like a shopaholic. It's embarrassing. Especially because everyone can see my overindulgance on my face. The truth is though, cute/chubby fat is only Halloween away, if I could manage strict control until that time.