204.0 (8:45PM) Fully dressed jogging pants, panties, bra, shoes, socks, tank top after eating a ton of junk all day204.

204.0 (clothed, stuffed with high carb foods). NOT OK

193.2 (9am)

I did so well through the early part of yesterday and then just blew it last night.

I started out with coffee with heavy cream and sucralose powder (as usual). Lunch was half a head of cauliflower microwaved till tender and mixed with 30 grams shredded cheese, salt, pepper and garlic powder. (This is delicious BTW). I went to the gym in the evening and did 30 minutes hard on the eliptical machine. I am trying to up my heart fitness. I don't believe exercise to be at all beneficial for weight loss (in fact I think it makes it much harder to lose weight), but I am attempting to get in to better cadiovascular health. My husband cooked steaks on the charcoal grill for dinner. I had about a 12 ounce steak and then had over 36 ounces of watermelon. Then everything went to heck in a handbasket. I had 2 pieces of cheesecake, 5 lemon shortbread cookies, and 3 bologna and american cheese white bread sandwiches. I blame it all on the exercise and the watermelon. Too much fructose and too much exertion just got me to the point of being an eating machine.

At this point I am just super frustrated that I haven't been able to get and STAY under 30 BMI despite working on it for the last 3+ months. I am right where I started in March. What the heck???? I just really need to get and STAY under 30 BMI and I keep sabotaging myself with carby junk. That's so not necessary. I don't know what my problem is. But I need to quit it.

Today I will just focus on today. I want to stay under 800 calories, under 60 protein and under 40 net carbs. So far I have had 51 grams of heavy cream in my morning coffee. I am starving right now (because of last night junkfest no doubt), and will make the rest of the head of cauliflower with 30 grams of cheese. Then tonight I will have a 5 ounce pork loin with some sauerkraut. I will see if I can get some more veggies in there as well, but will have to input all this in fitday first and see how I can make it work.

Ok... it will be about the following:

Breakfast: coffee with 51 grams heavy cream and sucralose powder to taste

Lunch: 19.08 oz (raw weight) cauliflower with 30 grams shredded cheddar/colby cheese

Dinner: 5 oz pork loin (trimmed to lean meat only) with 4 ounces sauerkraut and 12 oz (raw weight) broccoli.

Day totals: 762 calories, 37.3 grams fat, 59.1-25.2 = 33.9 grams NET carbs, 59.0 grams Protein

I have 9 more days to control my foods and then 13 days where I won't and then at least 17 days before August 6th.

189.4 (11am)

It feels amazing to be back under 190. I am super excited to not have as far to go to get back under 30 BMI as I thought I had. I am not kidding myself, these last 6-7 pounds were the crazy easy pounds. The next 6-7 pounds will probably take me about 3 solid weeks of consistently being hungry and eating on plan. I have exactly 2 weeks from today until I won't be able to control my food for 12 days. I am going to try to make the best of it.

I also went to the gym today and did the Precor eliptical at my maximum normal for 25 minutes. I came home and kinda felt sick from getting overheated. I am glad I went though. I am still trying to get my heart health up and get a lower pulse. Increasing my physical endurance is my health goal for the summer.

So far today I have eaten a peanut butter Pure Protein bar (walmart 200 calories) and a 5.43 oz Californian avocado. I will probably eat a 1/4 lb lean beef patty chopped up and cooked with 16 oz zucchini "noodles". That would put me at 805 calories for the day. I will really try not to eat more than that, but am not sure if I will be able to do it. I was especially hungry the last two days and not able to stick with my caloric goals (although I did stick with my low carb goals minus the m&m's).

190.8 (10am)

Was pleasantly surprised to see this weight. I ate 2000 low carb calories yesterday and then had 660 calories worth of plain M&M's. I felt really bad about that, but unable to control myself. Oh well. Today is a new day. I know I don't fail when I goof like that, but when I fail to keep trying. I will have my regular breakfast today of coffee with 50 grams heavy cream and continue on as if nothing happened. What else can you do?

191.2 (9:00am)

I am please to be back down to 191.2. It makes it seem not so daunting to get back under 185. I am still being quite strict with weighing food and putting it in fitday. I plan to maintain strictness until I leave for my business trip on July 7th. It will be hard, but I can do it. Supposedly I am getting almost a 1500 calorie deficit per day right now. Hopefully I can see a 2.5 pound loss per week for the next 2.25 weeks and see almost another 6 pounds lost before I leave. That would put me right at 185-186. I plan to maintain (not lose or gain) while I am away (I will be gone 13 days) and then resume strictly when I get back. I have a couple of 2 day business trips on July 25-26 and then on August 5-6. Then in August I will be having my tubes tied. I don't have a firm date for that yet... but everything should fairly be back to normal after that. I am hoping by late August to be able to get down solidly under 180. It would be fantastic if I could even see a new weight loss low (under 176.6 achieve 12/22/13). It's kinda sad to realize I am 15 pounds up from what I was at that time, but honestly, with all the changes my life has been through in the last 7 months, I am ok with it. I am actually quite proud to have basically stayed in this 180-195 range all this time. It is so easy for me to put weight back on after losing it. I really feel like this was a huge thing to stay sub-200 lbs.

192.8 (de-carbed, low food weight @ 10:30am)

So, I am very excited to have only 15ish lbs to go until my immediate goal. I will focus on getting back below 190 right now. I am also celebrating getting back under 195. I feel so much better when I have a good gap between me and 200 pounds. I have almost exactly 10 pounds to go to get back under 30 BMI... (clothed weight of 185), so that shouldn't be overly hard. It IS a good solid month of eating low carb/ low cal though.

197.6 (10:45am). Full carbed up weight

Today marked the one year anniversary of my serious attempt at losing some weight. I am down right at 40 pounds since that time. For the first 6 months I weighed every day and logged every bite that I ate in Fitday. I got down as low as 176ish in early december (I think?) and have been up and down between 180 to upper 190's since that time. I have logged some of what I ate, but not consistently, since January of this year. I have weight most days, but again, not every day, since January. I feel pretty comfortable at this weight, as if I have stabilized at this weight. I am too high in the upper 190's and would like to be solidly below 180. I am going to log everything, weigh every day, and keep my calories low for a month or two and try to get solidly, permanently sub-180 (I would like to permanently end up at least sub 175). I think it's gotten pretty hard to lose more weight and keep it off. I get up close to 200 pounds and get scared and get my act back together. But honestly, I would really really like to be at least a solid size 12, loose 14. I am happy that I lost weight as slowly as I have and have been at this weight and down to 180 for the last 6 months. It really allowed my head to get ok with being this size and accepting that this is the new me. It also hopefully has given me better skin recovery than I could have expected had I lost 100 pounds in 8 months or whatever it is that people do when they lose weight crazy fast. Having said all that, I am ready to lose some more fairly quickly and then see if I can stabilize at a new lower weight. It's hard to do so. I am not kidding myself about the fact that IF I eat higher carb crap, I consistently gain weight. I am hoping that with time, I can usually eat low carb and occasionally eat some treats and not gain weight too much. I am trying to find some balance, that includes occasional indulgences and hopefully long term would not require weighing and logging everything I eat. I am OK if that is what is required... I can do that. I just hope I don't have to.

Today was kinda rough, as it usually is when I have to rein myself back in. I struggled with some self-sabotage thoughts tonight. My insulin is still high and I am going to struggle with hunger as I go back into ketosis and still have higher insulin levels. That is just to be expected. I have kinda gotten used to that. It doesn't make the struggle any easier, but it does help to recognize that it is just part of the process and I have to white knuckle it through it.

One week ago today, I was at 188.6, so I am hopeful that I can get back down to that fairly quickly and then work on the next ten pounds. Right now though, I am just trying to get through each day low carb and low calorie. It's tough. So is being fat. You gotta pick your tough.

188.6 (10:45am) Low carb low food weight. Post exercise day.

I am super excited to be back in the upper 180's. I only have about 10 pounds to get solidly back sub 30 BMI. (5 pounds to be under it, but 10 pounds to be comfortably under it).

192.0 (7:15am)

192.8 (10:30 am) Carbed up, too much food the prior day weight