199.2 (10:00am)

I don't know what is wrong with me lately. I truelly don't.

199.0 (11:45am)

Ate dutch apple pie ala' mode, red baron pizza, taco bueno, regular can of soda, etc yesterday. I don't know why I keep doing this. I fall off track and then really don't care, even though I KNOW how quickly I gain weight eating junk. Self-sabotage? Not sure what's going on. I understand it is a physical drive (once I have strayed), but still am confused about how I don't make better choices. Today will be tough. I am brewing coffee right now. I think I am going to do a really low calorie stint for a while. It seems to be equivalent to fasting, but protein sparing if I watch my macros and drink enough heavy cream in my coffee to guarantee gall bladder flushing. 108 days left in 2014. 15 weeks and 4 days. I will be away from home for about half of those days, so think that I can average 2 pounds when I am home and 1 pound when I am out of town. I have 6 pounds of water weight carb/food bloat on me now. 199-6=193 base weight 15.4*1.5=23.1 minimum possible loss 2.5 pounds per week is maximum amount I could lose per week with minimum 1/3 days away from home. = (10.2 weeks x 2.5)+(5.1 weeks x 1)= 30.6 maximum amount of possible loss 193-23.1 = 169.9 maximum weight 193-30.6 = 162.4 minimum weight Almost 1 year ago today (on September 19th, 2013) I made it to 199.0 (where I am today). It's been a long year since that time. A lot of ups and a lot of downs. Anytime I stuck with low carb eating calories I stayed the same weight. Any time I ate low carb restricted calories, I lost weight and any time I ate whatever the heck I wanted I gained weight. It was really easy to see again and again. I am 23 pounds over the lowest weight I saw, which is not good, but I am not broken up about it. (Perhaps that is why I keep regaining whatever I manage to lose??) I am ready to get down in to either the 160's or the low 170's and stay there for a while. I will regroup at that point and consider how hard I want to work to go/maintain even lower. I NEED to get into at least the 170's and stay there though. It's funny, because if you would have asked me a year and a half ago if I even really thought it was possible to get and stay under 200 again, I'm not sure if I really believed it was possible. Maybe I still feel that way about being sub 175. I don't know why the 25ish pounds between here and there are even a consideration though. I am 62 pounds down from where I started (highest weight). That is not that much more. I really, really DO want to make this happen for myself... and I AM glad that I have given my skin the best opportunity it could possibly have to bounce back by losing this weight so slowly and giving it a break. I am READY though to take the next step.

196.4 (9am)

Day 2 of period. I've been eating low carb for the last 30 hours after eating 1 1/2 days high carb. My weight is way higher than I expected it to be today. It is very upsetting. All I can do is what I am supposed to do today though, I guess. This gets old sometimes.

189.0 (9:15am) 36.7% BF, 29.8 BMI

190.0 (8:45am)

I ended up at 1118 calories (low carb of course) yesterday, which is the highest I've been in a while. This weight is really just clinging to me with everything it's got. I am pleasantly surprised how much my upper arms have shrunk back down though. I was excited to be sub 190 yesterday, but as I didn't weigh until noon, didn't feel like I really owned it yet. This is my PMS week, so hopefully weight will go down as well as appetite next week. I still feel like I have some ankle and knee joint swelling.

188.8 lbs (noon) 35.5%BF 29.8 BMI per Omron

These last few pounds have been so hard to shake. I have been almost perfect with my eating (both calorically and nutritionally), but I guess I have lost all the water weight and this is real fat I am losing right now. We went swimming yesterday and my BIL & SIL's house. Perhaps getting so much sun has given me a little water retention? One can only hope.

189.6 (10:30 am) 35.5% BF 29.9 BMI (per Omron)

I think this is going to be tougher than I hoped to get back under 183.0. 35.5% bodyfat, 29.9 BMI per Omron HBF-306C

191.0 (8:30am)

I'm not sure, I think I have about 1.5 - 2.0 lbs of knee/ankle swelling and water retention. (Possibly PMS bloat as well?) I think my real weight right now is around 189.2 lbs. Hopefully I am right.

191.2 (9:30am)

Today was crazy low for whatever reason. I will take it, but think I will be 192.X tomorrow. It's just really nice to be close to the 180's again though. I've still been weighing and logging my food in fitday religiously. I am going to my mom and dad's on Tuesday morning, so I have some anxiety about controlling my food while I am there, but will somehow manage. It's too important to get my weight down to blow it.

193.8 (9:30am)

Well, the last 4 days have been slow going on the weight loss on the scale, but I am seeing changes in my body. Each evening has been torture. Just REALLY REALLY hard. I hope today is easier. It's always fairly easy in the morning and then by late afternoon it has gotten hard to stay on play and then by evening I want to eat anything and everything I see.

194.6 (10am)

I'm getting there. I think today is day 4 or 5 back on track and logging everything. I went to the gym yesterday and today. I am eager to get back under 30 BMI. I am at 30.91 BMI today (naked) (169cm). At 168cm I need to be below 186.5 lbs. At 169cm I need to be below 188.7 lbs. I am much closer to being back under 30BMI than I thought I was. I will continue to work hard at it though.

197.0 (9am)

Optimal nutrition recommendations: The recommended daily ratio between P, F and C in the ON (calculated per 1kg of IDEAL body weight) is 1: 3.5: 0.8 (10%, 82% and 8%), and for an overweight person 1: 2.5: 0.8 (12.5%, 77% and 10%), until the body weight is stabilized in the normal range. Ideal body weight calculated as height in cm - 100. For me this is ideal body weight of 69kg (152.1 lbs). (BMI calculator says that would make my BMI 24.2, which is at the upper end of "normal weight"). 62 kg (136.6 lbs) would put me smack dab in the middle of "normal weight". Frankly, I would like to get under (and STAY under) 175 lbs. From there I don't really care too much. I would just like to find a weight that I don't have to struggle too hard to maintain. Mentally it is too hard to keep going up and down the scale. 142 lbs was the weight I was so happy at when I was age 19. (64.4). HAMWI METHOD: IDEAL BODY WEIGHT calculates me at idea (large frame) at 147 lbs. Using all of that, I would say I could use 65 kg as my ideal body weight (143.3 lbs). The recommended daily ratio between P, F and C in the ON (calculated per 1kg of IDEAL body weight) is 1: 3.5: 0.8 (10%, 82% and 8%), and for an overweight person 1: 2.5: 0.8 (12.5%, 77% and 10%), until the body weight is stabilized in the normal range. So for me, weightloss would be recommended at 65 grams protein 162.5 grams fat 52 grams carbs Total calories recommended : 1930 That doesn't seem like that is low enough. What is funny to me though, is that the 65 grams protein + 52 grams carbs seems to be spot on to what has been working for me. From what I understand, the fat calories that aren't eaten, come from body adipose tissue, but the influx/outflux affect satiety/hunger signals. But because the difference is always going to be made up by the body, regardless of whether I eat the fat or just use my bodies stored fat, I should be hitting this ketogenic ratio.

196.6 (8am)

Yesterday was the first day that I had a 100% logged on track day in I can't remember how long. Today will be tough I am sure. I am just so happy to see sub200 on the scale again. I was starting to get really freaked out. I must have seen over 200 on the scale for like 2 weeks straight and would start each day with the best intentions and then blow it by the time evening had come. It's going to be rough turning back into a fat burning machine instead of a carb burning machine. When insulin in chronically high, it's almost as if you are addicted. I FINALLY realize though, that high insulin levels all day just mean you are ALWAYS running around in a energy deprived state. The ONLY time you are not energy deprived is during the 20-30 minutes immediately following eating a bunch of carbs. Unfortunately, the body has to quickly get that blood sugar out of the system (to prevent high blood sugar) and only 20-30 minutes later, you don't have enough energy to run on. It is quite the vicious cycle.

200.2 (11am) Carb bloated weight.

Ate a ton of ice cream yesterday and then chinese food last night. Yesterday was the first day of my period. I have had a rough last 10 days. I couldn't get myself under control for anything. My guess is that progesterone has been really high. After the tubal ligation surgery I also didn't feel like worrying about it too much either. I am going to get it under control now though. This weight is way to high. I REALLY need to lose like at least 12 real pounds, 2 food weight pounds and 4 water weight pounds. That's going to take some work. I still feel like hanging around in bed today though. I still don't feel great (I haven't been taking anything for the pain).

199.0 (10am)

So, 199.0 is obviously higher than I would like, but it is better than I hoped for this morning, so I guess it is ok. I am at least back under 200.0. I get my surgery tomorrow morning and then have about 6 weeks before I would absolutely like (for job and health reasons) to be back under 183. That should be very doable, considering I am at a carb bloated weight this morning and likely have at least 5 pounds of water weight/ excess food weight on me.

200.6 (9:15am)

200.6 (noon)

I have been over 200 for the last 4 or 5 mornings. I am unable to get my crap together. I must. I am somewhat scared, but feel like today might be the day. I have my tubal ligation surgery scheduled for next Friday.

190.0 7:15 a.m.

Down 2.6 lbs while I was away. I consider that an grand success. I made the best meal choices I could. Food was provided to me and I just did the best I could with what I had. It was tough and I felt like I was hungry quite a bit of the time. I got home yesterday around 3pm and bought veggies and meat for the coming week. I am quite proud of myself for that part as well. Having the appropriate foods on hand is about 80% of the problem for me. Then just have to make sure I eat those choices instead of other poor choices.

192.6 (11:15am).

So, I am getting all packed today and leaving bright and early tomorrow morning. I have anxiety about it, because I always have anxiety about new things. I'll be glad when I am there and know what to expect. Diet yesterday was excellent, but I didn't weigh anything on the scale. But both meals were with 4 oz lean beef cooked 8-12ish oz of low carb veggies. I had coffee with heavy cream for breakfast.

196.6 (10am) after eating taco bueno last night

Super frustrated that I am AGAIN having so much trouble. I really need to get incredibly strict for a while, but to have faith in myself that I can be strict if I want to.

192.2 (9:15am)

Quite a few calories yesterday (1557), but the weight is going down. I am committing to WEIGHING and RECORDING all my food in fitday EVERY day that I am not away on business through August 31st. Realistically (assuming I normally use 2000 calories, which I think is quite conservative), I can lose 16.2 lbs of fat (plus a little bit more water weight that I am still probably carrying right now). So, I think I could potentially (best case scenario) get down to 176.0 by September 1st.

I had coffee with 54 grams heavy cream and sucralose powder for breakfast. For lunch I made 4oz (raw weight) 73/27 ground beef with 1.5 oz raw very thinly sliced onion, 7 oz (raw weight) green cabbage and 8.5 oz zucchini squash cut into noodles with my julienne slicer (about $2 on ebay out of china), salt, pepper and garlic powder. Lunch was delicious. For dinner I think I am having a 6 oz (raw frozen weight) of tiliapia cooked with about 8 oz zucchini cut into long wedges. I wrap it both things up in a tinfoil pounch with salt, pepper and garlic powder (dill or parsley can be good too) and cook it in my convection oven 30-40 minutes (I like it super well done). I then make a sauce out of 50 grams sour cream, garlic or onion powder, white vinegar, sucralose powder and any other spices/seasoning I feel like throwing in at the time. This is a delicious dinner and one that I ate quite a lot last summer when I was losing a lot of my weight. I am trying to eat more vegetable and keep my calories in check for each day, but again, low carb is more important than calorie restriction.

I got a call today to finalize my business trip next week. I will be heading out early Monday morning and will be gone almost 2 weeks. I would like to just hold steady weight wise during that time and be conscious of what I am eating during that time and make the best choices that I can. It is hard when you don't control your own food, but I will just do the best I can.

I also wanted to touch briefly today and smarties candies. Dr. Richard Bernstein recommends 5-6 smarties (dependent on body weight), when you feel anxious/hyperinsulinemic. It is supposed to be enough to raise your blood sugar about 10 points, but not be enough to force your body to release more insulin. I have been trying that in the evenings when I get that frantic hungry for starch (goodies) feeling. It really does seem to work. The smarties candies are dextrose (versus the standard sucrose/fructose that is in most candies/baked goods etc). The dextrose is supposed to be available to the body IMMEDIATELY without going through any chemical processing by the body. So far it DOES seem to work. Six smarties for me is about 40% of one of those rolls. Only 10 calories and about 2.5 grams of carbohydrate (straight dextrose sugar). Pixie sticks also contain straight dextrose, but I don't know what the dosing would be for the pixie sticks.

Later that day (8:36pm)

Wow. I am really struggling right now. I ended the day at 777 calories. I am quite pleased with that. I will shoot for 800-1000 calories for the next 5 days and then on Monday shoot for 1400 calories / 100 Net carbs.

197.0 (9:30am)

Yeah. Just very frustrating. I am on track now... will have coffee with cream and avocado salad later and then hamburger with cabbage stir-fry for dinner. I am just pretty disappointed in myself.

204.0 (8:45PM) Fully dressed jogging pants, panties, bra, shoes, socks, tank top after eating a ton of junk all day204.

204.0 (clothed, stuffed with high carb foods). NOT OK

193.2 (9am)

I did so well through the early part of yesterday and then just blew it last night.

I started out with coffee with heavy cream and sucralose powder (as usual). Lunch was half a head of cauliflower microwaved till tender and mixed with 30 grams shredded cheese, salt, pepper and garlic powder. (This is delicious BTW). I went to the gym in the evening and did 30 minutes hard on the eliptical machine. I am trying to up my heart fitness. I don't believe exercise to be at all beneficial for weight loss (in fact I think it makes it much harder to lose weight), but I am attempting to get in to better cadiovascular health. My husband cooked steaks on the charcoal grill for dinner. I had about a 12 ounce steak and then had over 36 ounces of watermelon. Then everything went to heck in a handbasket. I had 2 pieces of cheesecake, 5 lemon shortbread cookies, and 3 bologna and american cheese white bread sandwiches. I blame it all on the exercise and the watermelon. Too much fructose and too much exertion just got me to the point of being an eating machine.

At this point I am just super frustrated that I haven't been able to get and STAY under 30 BMI despite working on it for the last 3+ months. I am right where I started in March. What the heck???? I just really need to get and STAY under 30 BMI and I keep sabotaging myself with carby junk. That's so not necessary. I don't know what my problem is. But I need to quit it.

Today I will just focus on today. I want to stay under 800 calories, under 60 protein and under 40 net carbs. So far I have had 51 grams of heavy cream in my morning coffee. I am starving right now (because of last night junkfest no doubt), and will make the rest of the head of cauliflower with 30 grams of cheese. Then tonight I will have a 5 ounce pork loin with some sauerkraut. I will see if I can get some more veggies in there as well, but will have to input all this in fitday first and see how I can make it work.

Ok... it will be about the following:

Breakfast: coffee with 51 grams heavy cream and sucralose powder to taste

Lunch: 19.08 oz (raw weight) cauliflower with 30 grams shredded cheddar/colby cheese

Dinner: 5 oz pork loin (trimmed to lean meat only) with 4 ounces sauerkraut and 12 oz (raw weight) broccoli.

Day totals: 762 calories, 37.3 grams fat, 59.1-25.2 = 33.9 grams NET carbs, 59.0 grams Protein

I have 9 more days to control my foods and then 13 days where I won't and then at least 17 days before August 6th.

189.4 (11am)

It feels amazing to be back under 190. I am super excited to not have as far to go to get back under 30 BMI as I thought I had. I am not kidding myself, these last 6-7 pounds were the crazy easy pounds. The next 6-7 pounds will probably take me about 3 solid weeks of consistently being hungry and eating on plan. I have exactly 2 weeks from today until I won't be able to control my food for 12 days. I am going to try to make the best of it.

I also went to the gym today and did the Precor eliptical at my maximum normal for 25 minutes. I came home and kinda felt sick from getting overheated. I am glad I went though. I am still trying to get my heart health up and get a lower pulse. Increasing my physical endurance is my health goal for the summer.

So far today I have eaten a peanut butter Pure Protein bar (walmart 200 calories) and a 5.43 oz Californian avocado. I will probably eat a 1/4 lb lean beef patty chopped up and cooked with 16 oz zucchini "noodles". That would put me at 805 calories for the day. I will really try not to eat more than that, but am not sure if I will be able to do it. I was especially hungry the last two days and not able to stick with my caloric goals (although I did stick with my low carb goals minus the m&m's).

190.8 (10am)

Was pleasantly surprised to see this weight. I ate 2000 low carb calories yesterday and then had 660 calories worth of plain M&M's. I felt really bad about that, but unable to control myself. Oh well. Today is a new day. I know I don't fail when I goof like that, but when I fail to keep trying. I will have my regular breakfast today of coffee with 50 grams heavy cream and continue on as if nothing happened. What else can you do?

191.2 (9:00am)

I am please to be back down to 191.2. It makes it seem not so daunting to get back under 185. I am still being quite strict with weighing food and putting it in fitday. I plan to maintain strictness until I leave for my business trip on July 7th. It will be hard, but I can do it. Supposedly I am getting almost a 1500 calorie deficit per day right now. Hopefully I can see a 2.5 pound loss per week for the next 2.25 weeks and see almost another 6 pounds lost before I leave. That would put me right at 185-186. I plan to maintain (not lose or gain) while I am away (I will be gone 13 days) and then resume strictly when I get back. I have a couple of 2 day business trips on July 25-26 and then on August 5-6. Then in August I will be having my tubes tied. I don't have a firm date for that yet... but everything should fairly be back to normal after that. I am hoping by late August to be able to get down solidly under 180. It would be fantastic if I could even see a new weight loss low (under 176.6 achieve 12/22/13). It's kinda sad to realize I am 15 pounds up from what I was at that time, but honestly, with all the changes my life has been through in the last 7 months, I am ok with it. I am actually quite proud to have basically stayed in this 180-195 range all this time. It is so easy for me to put weight back on after losing it. I really feel like this was a huge thing to stay sub-200 lbs.

192.8 (de-carbed, low food weight @ 10:30am)

So, I am very excited to have only 15ish lbs to go until my immediate goal. I will focus on getting back below 190 right now. I am also celebrating getting back under 195. I feel so much better when I have a good gap between me and 200 pounds. I have almost exactly 10 pounds to go to get back under 30 BMI... (clothed weight of 185), so that shouldn't be overly hard. It IS a good solid month of eating low carb/ low cal though.

197.6 (10:45am). Full carbed up weight

Today marked the one year anniversary of my serious attempt at losing some weight. I am down right at 40 pounds since that time. For the first 6 months I weighed every day and logged every bite that I ate in Fitday. I got down as low as 176ish in early december (I think?) and have been up and down between 180 to upper 190's since that time. I have logged some of what I ate, but not consistently, since January of this year. I have weight most days, but again, not every day, since January. I feel pretty comfortable at this weight, as if I have stabilized at this weight. I am too high in the upper 190's and would like to be solidly below 180. I am going to log everything, weigh every day, and keep my calories low for a month or two and try to get solidly, permanently sub-180 (I would like to permanently end up at least sub 175). I think it's gotten pretty hard to lose more weight and keep it off. I get up close to 200 pounds and get scared and get my act back together. But honestly, I would really really like to be at least a solid size 12, loose 14. I am happy that I lost weight as slowly as I have and have been at this weight and down to 180 for the last 6 months. It really allowed my head to get ok with being this size and accepting that this is the new me. It also hopefully has given me better skin recovery than I could have expected had I lost 100 pounds in 8 months or whatever it is that people do when they lose weight crazy fast. Having said all that, I am ready to lose some more fairly quickly and then see if I can stabilize at a new lower weight. It's hard to do so. I am not kidding myself about the fact that IF I eat higher carb crap, I consistently gain weight. I am hoping that with time, I can usually eat low carb and occasionally eat some treats and not gain weight too much. I am trying to find some balance, that includes occasional indulgences and hopefully long term would not require weighing and logging everything I eat. I am OK if that is what is required... I can do that. I just hope I don't have to.

Today was kinda rough, as it usually is when I have to rein myself back in. I struggled with some self-sabotage thoughts tonight. My insulin is still high and I am going to struggle with hunger as I go back into ketosis and still have higher insulin levels. That is just to be expected. I have kinda gotten used to that. It doesn't make the struggle any easier, but it does help to recognize that it is just part of the process and I have to white knuckle it through it.

One week ago today, I was at 188.6, so I am hopeful that I can get back down to that fairly quickly and then work on the next ten pounds. Right now though, I am just trying to get through each day low carb and low calorie. It's tough. So is being fat. You gotta pick your tough.