255.2

Last 2 days have been a fail, but my weight is somewhat down. I am trying.

258.0 Zero Carb Day 1

This is the highest weight i have ever seen. I have been over 250 for about 2 months now. I obviously can't eat regular food anymore. My insulin response has gotten steadily worse. I feel horrible physically all the time. I am making a commitment today, May 1st, 2011. Right now. I CAN'T ever go back to what I have been doing. I am going to stick to straight meat, heavy cream and water. Maybe if I am really strict it will get easier faster this time. I am committing to daily logging my thoughts here as well as daily weigh-ins. Weigh-in this morning was at 7:45.

Joints consistently hurt and knees are cracking.
Steadily have been gaining weight since my low of 219 last time ZC (40 lbs in 8.5 months!)
Daily self recriminations.
No hope for being able to do physical things in the future unless I CHANGE what I am doing.

Mini fail last night, but I am right back on track

Last night for some reason I gave into temptation and had
3 haystack cookies
1 piece of apple pie
about 12 chicken nuggets
5 beef ravioli
& about 15 tortilla chips

But here is what I realize. I fail at dieting not when I eat things that are off plan. I fail at dieting when I don't immediately get back on plan. I need to remember that I AM going to occasionally eat things that aren't on plan. What is more important than that though is to get back to it and recover the next day.

Weight: 239.2
Appearance: Dressed with hair and makeup - check

It's been a productive morning and I am making coffee right now to have with heavy cream. I am 100% on track today. :)

237.0

Lots of coffee and heavy cream yesterday, a bit or two of fatty crockpot pork butt, then 2 chicken nuggets (approximately 6 carbs together) (my husband was fixing them for his dinner along with french fries), 2 slices of swiss cheese, and 4 eggs cooked with butter and garlic ginger paste and then eaten with blue cheese dressing. I'm not sure what prompted eating the chicken nuggets... I am just greatful that I stopped when I did.

This morning I am drinking coffee and heavy cream as usual (I have quit measuring the quantity entirely). Plans of having more pork butt and probably bacon this evening. Maybe some more coffee and heavy cream later. I really am only experiencing real cravings when my husband gets home in the evening and has his standard american diet (SAD) dinner.

I am glad to get back down to 237.0. My clothes are fitting a little better. My face still looks kinda bloated to me though. Maybe when I get back down into the 220's that will decrease a little. I am eager to fit into size 16s this spring. Hopefully when I get under 205 they will start fitting again. I have so much selection in that size range and I am so eager to get there. I think if I stay on plan I could see that weight range around the end of April to start of May. Size 16 for me is the start of being "American chubby normal" versus "American obese". There is a huge difference in how you think of yourself and how people treat you.

Anyway, I need to get on with my workday. Right now I am experiencing no cravings and feel good emotionally.

237.8

Good day. I really struggled but managed to stay on track! Going to bed now.

238.6

The new low makes me feel hopeful, but I am really really struggling this afternoon with wanting to eat. I wonder what is causing it. I feel kinda depressed too. I can't make myself work on what I need to. Booo! What's up with that? I am getting to the point where eating meat sounds disgusting. It happens every time. If I stick with it and don't give in it's supposed to get better.

239.4

239.4... busy day. Was on track yesterday with food and appearance efforts. Today has been good so far as well. We got a lot done and I feel really hopeful about life today.

Start of Day 4

Good day yesterday...
Heavy cream with coffee for breakfast
2 Burger King Double Cheese Burgers without buns or ketchup for lunch
Roast & a little blue cheese and dinner
2 large cups of Licorice Herbal Tea (straight up)
Tiny amount of Roast for after dinner snack

Stomach growled a few points yesterday, so I could have eaten more for sure. We ended up going to an auction and then to two thrift stores. We found cross country skis and poles for DH and poles and boots for me (I already have skis). We just need to order some boots for DH online and we will be ready to go X Country Skiing. :)

It's 9:45 A.M and it's raining. I got up and weighed in 239.2 and did my hair and makeup, but did put back on my pajamas as we are lazying around a bit. :) So now I look cute though.

Here's to day 4!

240.4 This morning

Weight is steadily going down and I am gaining a feeling of control. I am going to be cautious today though, because from past experience I know that day three can be dangerous.

My committment to spending more effort on getting dressed, doing hair and makeup each morning is going well. Working from home it is very easy to wear pajamas all day and never even comb my hair. I think that all can be a big part of gaining weight in the first place... and think that trying to take more pride in my appearance can be a big part of losing the weight and making my life what I want it to be.

I'm feeling good.... been experiencing a few carb withdrawal headaches. I slept through until 6am this morning though... so that's good. Today is Saturday and a partial workday (only until 2:30) and I think DH and I will go to an auction this afternoon.

I have a roast cooking in the crockpot and am drinking my coffee with heavy cream right now. I have decided to quit measuring the heavy cream. I will shoot for the color of coffee I know from experience it should look like (with 75-100mL of heavy cream in my cup). My dream is to have a life that doesn't include measuring or counting while eating ZC. I need to work towards that goal and trust that the process will work. I am keeping general track of what I am eating in a journal to see if I can find any triggers if they happen though.

Day Two!!!!!

I just feel really happy with myself that I stuck with it yesterday. The first few days of ZC are definately the hardest.

I ended up eating heavy cream (150mL total) and steak with blue cheese dressing yesterday. The blue cheese dressing was not what I plan to eat long term, but my steak was a little burnt and I am ok with using it until gone, as it is very very low carb. I do not plan to purchase any more.

I woke up at 3 a.m. and could not get back to sleep (unusual for me). I think the coffee was the likely culprit. I will try to not drink coffee after 3 this afternoon and hopefully that will solve that.

I weighed in at 243.4 this morning. On my way! :)

Where I've been and where I am going -------->

July 1st - August 21, 2010 went from 243.2 to 219.4. I subsequently fell "off plan" and regained everything plus some.

December 15th - December 31st, 2010 went from 250.4 (!!!) down to about 225 and then fell off plan again when I got sick.

I have steadily been regaining everything lost since that time.

This morning I weighed in at 245.8.

I ate the remainder of an Albertsons parfait at around 11 am. I am back on plan here and now.

I am making these committments to myself:

1) To weigh EVERY DAY
2) To blog EVERY DAY (and when not possible to write on a piece of paper and later post from that)
3) To only eat meat, cheese, sour cream, heavy cream, butter, tea & coffee.
4) To get "dressed" and do hair and makeup EVERY DAY (pride in appearance is part of the solution!)
5) Restart abstinance (ZC) bracelet

Measurements just now:
Bust: 49 3/4" (at fullest measurement)
Waist: 48" (at bellybutton)
Hips: 50" (at fullest measurement)

246.0

10:15 A.M.
Drinking a whey protein shake for breakfast.
357 Calories
21.5 g Fat
11.1 g Carbs
28.6 g Protein

My feet hurt. My joints hurt. My stomach is consistently bloated. I have more than one chin and I have heartburn all throughout the day and at night. Something has got to change. Here's to day 1.

10:40 A.M.
Made a cup of hot tea and just did dishes. I have a heavy day planned, but want to log my food and thoughts during the day.

246.0 Day 1 ZC

8:30 am.
I am making the commitment to write on here daily at least - maybe more until at least January 1. That would be over 50 days and the minimum it's going to take me to get in the ZC groove again. Today's a Sunday. I had a rough night with acid reflux, my ankle hurts all the time from the recent 30lb regain and my face is bloated and skin is horrible.

One day at a time, one meal at a time, I CAN do this.

No VEG
No Calorie Counting required, but I'm going to for curiousity's sake.
Cheese/Bacon/Heavy Cream OK
No exercise required
No artificial sweeteners

Daily Weigh-in and posting here.
Daily writing here.
End each day with a clean kitchen.
Start each day in an "outfit" with my hair done and makeup on.
Restart the carb celebracy bracelet.


9:30am

I got some of the dishes done and have my shower in. I need to clean out the refrigerator as much as I can today. I need to go buy so meat this afternoon and having a refrigerator that is ready for my diet makes it that much easier.

It's a rainy cold fall morning. It feels like one of those days where you play online or read a good book.

Imitation Crab Meat for dinner

Yup. Straight. Yum! High in carbs though, so I just got a 1 1/17 servings. It's delicious, but they add a lot of sugar to it, so you have to be careful. I love the stuff and normally buy it in the 2.5 lb vacuum packed bags. So far so good. DH will be home from work in a little over an hour and that's always a hard part of my day if I am trying to stay on track. Hopefully I can manage myself tonight and have a successful day under my belt. I haven't had one of those in 2 months!

6:00 pm... I'm in the danger zone.

So I took another Dipro at 6:00... in a little while I will cook another stir fry or something to have tonight and tomorrow. I feel kinda woozy and want to call it a day and go watch tv. I think I will be less apt to fall off tonight if I stay in my office and continue working. It's been a weird day and I am not sure if it's the Dipro or just that it's been a random weird day.

Going well so far!

So I took my Dipro at 3ish and I am now eating the other 1/4 of the stirfry I made yesterday.

209 Calories
6.2 g Fat
7.5 g Carbs
30.8 g Protein

I just spent the last couple of hours tracking down a package for a customer and was able to locate it and relay the good news to the customer. :) So I did not get as much listed as I wanted to online for sale. That's ok! Sometimes things come up. I just feel sooooo relieved. I hate dealing with customer problems. They usually work out ok, but I seem to stress out a lot more about them than I probably should. I just want everything to work out 100% of the time and I need to realize that that just isnt realistic.

I want to take another Dipro at 6:00 and make another stirfry to have tonight and eat for 2 of my meals tomorrow. I weigh everything on my digital scale (down to the gram!) and then imput everything in fitday. By doing that, I get several meals out of one cooking weighing session... and although each actual meal isn't spot on calorically/carb wise, the combined total of several meals should be very accurate.

Anyway, I need to get back to work. I feel real energized to get a lot done in the next 4 hours.

So far so good...

I took a Dipro at 10:45 and at noon at 1/4 of the stirfry that I made yesterday.

Calories: 209
Fat grams: 6.2
Carb grams: 7.5
Protein grams: 30.8

I plan to take my 2nd Dipro at 3:00 and eat the remaining 1/4 stirfry at 4:00 and plan my second meal at that time. I will check in here then.

I am full and feel hopeful. I will work hard between now and then and finish cleaning my kitchen.

241.4

So... I have steadily gained back all the weight I lost. Every pound. Eating what I wanted to eat in the portions I wanted to eat them in. That's rough. It's difficult to discover that if you eat what you want and in the quantities you body desires, you are destined to be obese. Part of me thinks I should just accept being fat. The other part knows that it is too hard on my body/spirit to live this way.

I tried to get back on track yesterday and fell apart around 6pm and then had chocolate bars (3!), coke, and nachoes. Yeah. Not good. I was sooo disappointed in myself. I know if I could just string enough days together of being on track it would get easier. Today... I am shooting for 800-1000 calories, at least 50 grams of protein and no more than 36 grams of carbs. I've done it before. I can do it again. I know the only true answer for me long term is zero carb or Dr. Bernsteins 6/12/12 (carbs per meal) plan. More carbs just equals more cravings and more eating for me.

I still have 5 1/2 days of my Dipro prescription left, so I am going to take if through Sunday and hopefully will feel like I am on track by then. Going through sugar detox sucks and the cravings for me are always really intense. I can do this! I have to do this.

234.6

August 1st I went on Zero Carb. I stayed on it from August 1st to September 20th and went from 243 to about 219. I then fell off plan and it is now a month and a half later and I am back up to 234.6. I learned a lot by being zero carb and hope to successfully go back on plan starting today. I have been out of control since September 21st and have been gaining weight since then.

I started today with 200 calories of liverwurst and then later 200 calories of cream cheese. I am drinking water and hot tea and am committing to getting back off aspertame. I causes way to many cravings.

245.8

I was on track for 5 days and then decided to have an off plan meal. Four days later, here I am, back where I started.

243.4

Yesterday was a big fail. Boo.

244.6 Day 1

Been gaining for the last 9 months. Averaging almost a pound a week gain. I can't keep gaining like this. Day 1

240.6 Progress

I feel on track. Shooting for 400 calories liverwurst throughout the day then 400 calories kielbasa with 100 calories worth of brocolli for dinner.

242.2

Still trying to get on track

Today planning on doing Day 1 of Fat Fast. 800 calories (liverwurst)
40 grams of protein, minimal carbs (7?) the rest fat.

Water and hot tea.

Feel good so far. Just busy working.

__________________________________________________________

Later...

What actually happened: (Per fitday)
400 calories liverwurst
1/2 lb grilled hamburger meat 495
2 slices american cheese 172
2 buns (entirely carbs) 383
4 slices tomato 6
3 tablespoons dijon mustard 51

Total for day 1510 Calories of which 82.3 grams were carbs, 87.3 Protein & 90.5 grams fat.

Drank water and hot herbal tea. No sweeteners.

244.2

244.2 Wow. How did that happen? So quickly. My insulin excretion is obviously excessive. I know the answer to the problem. But can I DO it?

10:00 am 1 oz (lean only) pork roast
32 oz water

240.2

I've been eating like a maniac. Almost like I am wanting to sabotage myself. I don't know why. I am going to go strict again. I feel horrible lately. Headaches every day, joints hurt, back hurts, belly is huge. Uck.

240.6

It really disturbs me right now to say "here we go again"... but here we go again.

No artificial sweetners (increased insulin - increased hunger and less weight loss).

Modified medifast.

9:30 a.m. 100 calorie Light Chocolate Muscle Milk Nutritional Shake
(100 calorie, 3 g fat, 5 g carb, & 15 g protein). ~whey based shake.

32 oz water between 10-12.

11:45 red leaf lettuce, radishes, chicken breast and blue cheese dressing
(282 calories, 20.8 fat grams, 5.6 carbs, & 18.6 g protein)
salad was delicious and I feel full now after eating it. I weighed out the blue cheese dressing on my digital kitchen scale and used canned chicken breast on the salad.

239.6

Tomorrow is an important day. One I never thought I would spend at 240 lbs.

Day 1

Weight 8 a.m. (naked) 241.2
Woke up with a headache that has persisted all day. It is now after 4 am I am eating water chestnuts (canned with water). I am eating strictly meat/vegetables and hopefully can get a hold of my weight AND my headaches. I think I have a headache at least half of the time. That is not acceptable. Tonight having steak and cucumber and hopefully that will get rid of this headache. Tracking calories and mood on fitday. Here we go. :)

6 P.M. 243.2 lbs

I have regained everything I lost. 5 months of eating until my head says "stop eating" causes me to gain. Maybe my body just wants to get back to it's set-point. I am starting right now. Now tomorrow morning... not Monday morning, THIS instant. I am so tired of this being my daily struggle. I am so tired of breaking promise after promise to myself that THIS will be the day. It ends here and now.

6 p.m. weight 243.2 lbs (naked)
measurements:
height: 5'6 1/2" (barefoot)
neck: 16 3/4"
full bust: 48 1/2"
under bust: 42 1/2"
over belly button: 47 3/4"
fullest part of hips: 49 5/8"
right thigh: 28 3/4"
right bicept: 15 1/8"

That's a pretty embarrassing state of affairs. I know how to lose weight. I know why I gain weight. Why do I keep pretending that I can eat the SAD (standard american diet) and not gain weight? My face is bloated. My double chin is horrible. I feel lethargic all the time. My feet feel flat again. My joints hurt. My blood sugar is all over the place. I need in excess of nine hours of sleep at night. I can't do the athletic things I would like to do. I am embarressed thinking about meeting people I haven't seen in years. I really don't need any more reasons than I already have. I am going to do what I did in the past (modified medifast) with the Shangri-la Diet thrown in (2-3 tbsp of canola oil per day - one dose in the morning and one dose in the afternoon with a 1 to 1 and a half hour window on each side). Hopefully the canola oil will help with appetite supression, but at minimum it will cause my gall bladder to empty twice a day and I shouldn't have any gall bladder issues.